the mystic wonders of emotions are touring slowly and making itself known in my head.
last semester I went into my classes indifferent to the world and screaming in my mind: 'damn the hell out of all of you, I don't give a *$%&(*^ care about ANYTHING. leave me be', yet still trying to blend in. then I saw the same girl who made an impression to me back then that she also screamed those words that depicts cynicism. I knew her waaay back in the first semester of 2003 (my first semester in college), and I thought that we were quite the same back then because of our musical preferences. I didn't know that we were TOO much the same. After some days (or perhaps weeks), I just found myself really enjoying her company, laughing my ass off at her cynical rants and just being silly the whole time we're together. the things we did reminded me of those days in high school, like reserving a seat for the other in an exam, hanging out in the hallway while waiting for the next class, and teasing each other about *cough* the certain opposite sex. That semester changed my aloof personality.
...She might cringe and pretend to puke when she'd read this, I am sure. And she would pretend to die (perhaps) if she heard me saying that she's like my best friend.
and then that semester have ended, then semester break have passed, and I have these thoughts of having her as a classmate once again, she sent an sms that she would file a leave on absence next semester.
...which reaaaally made me sad. I know it was very selfish of me persuading her not to do it, yeah, but that would just mean that I wouldn't see her for some seven whole months. So I just let her do what she wanted, since she has her own reasons, and I wouldn't want to interfere with it.
the last time I saw her was when she was finishing the processing of her papers. we said our usual bidding of goodbyes, which is absolute. I wouldn't see her anymore.
and when did the twisted emotions take place? twice, and the second was this morning, I was terribly melancholic and sentimental. thinking about what would possibly happen if things weren't as it is, blah blah. I almost cried in the car while in the process thinking about those stupid thoughts.
oh well.
...
I'll just buy something and drown in my melancholy. BUT WAIT! shit, I still have notes to scan to make my life more miserable as it is.
oh well.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
november 1... cheh
well every all saint's day is not a good day to me since I don't like going to my relatives and standing in the heat. so with my ever trustful digital camera (that shuns boredom from time to time) here are what I did on nov 1.
going to our province... my dad on the wheels
my brooother feeling like he's the hottest guy on earth. oh please.
my grandparents' (mother side) grave. funky?
... my family.
smile, TAOY, SMILE!
yet another photo where the baby is crying.
awwwww.
"don't my two boyfriends look cute?" says the red-clad guy
"but I like this one better"
"I think he's got potential too"
reliving the old photo. just like this.
BOOO!!!!!!!
am bored.
flowers on their grave
this is how to build a mini bonfire.
and this is how to build a wax ball, my dear friends.
toasted flower, anyone?
going to our province... my dad on the wheels
my brooother feeling like he's the hottest guy on earth. oh please.
my grandparents' (mother side) grave. funky?
... my family.
smile, TAOY, SMILE!
yet another photo where the baby is crying.
awwwww.
"don't my two boyfriends look cute?" says the red-clad guy
"but I like this one better"
"I think he's got potential too"
reliving the old photo. just like this.
BOOO!!!!!!!
am bored.
flowers on their grave
this is how to build a mini bonfire.
and this is how to build a wax ball, my dear friends.
toasted flower, anyone?
Monday, November 08, 2004
unstupidity, and rather coherence
For the first time in my life I wanted to do something productive that would create something that utterly satisfies anyone in this world. Care to take a guess?
Yes, that's money. I wanted to work so I can have money. My own money, from my own sweat. Well no sweat since the room where I do the work is airconditioned. Haha. The work I do is quite simple, since it's only for student assistants. So, being simple, the pay is not big. But in the long run, it's worth it.
The good thing about being in this work is having the net access. Like what I'm doing now. HEEHEEE!!!!!! TAUNT MEEE ASS. anyway...
+++++++
Let’s do a widdle flashback, shall we? Just a little introduction, this journal entry is taken from my computer journal, since I type a lot when bored, and type I will when I like it. I also have the traditional journal – a little notebook where I write with a pen. I think my entries in the computer journal are the longest, and perhaps the funniest in terms of sentence structure with semi-highfalutin words and some grammatical errors. Anyway, this entry is one of the longest in my computer journal, and it’s quite interesting, since I ranted a lot and I found out just now that this LONG paragraph is actually coherent. Awesome. Take the risk and read it. If not, then good. Sulk in your corner, I don’t care.
October 13, 2003
8:45 pm
Hello you probably missed my pointless rantings about my boring life, so here I am trying to relieve the days I have left you wondering where the hell I’ve spent my mixed emotions on. But I figured you won’t have to think about that. All you think of are the mathematical or perhaps logical (if you really have the logic of humans, but I don’t think so) things of what a computer has to think, breathing with the machine in you, so this rants might be for trash once again. But what if I post this all in the net? Dude, they won’t even bother to read it. I only relate things which are not so trivial, perhaps all included in the teenage angst category, and all which doesn’t interest them a bit. I’m just a fucking boring person, in short. I don’t live an interesting life, nor I do interesting things. I’m plainly me, just me, the boring me. But these things I’m going to tell you might perk you up. Well, hopefully. You see, my boring life seems to be wanted to be shared by someone else I think is irrelevant beyond measures. I might be exaggerating, and being rude, but really, I think he portrays what I think of. That person is the least of my interest, even my boring, boring self can view someone else’s life boring too. Go figure how that happens; I too, thought that that boring people have no virtue of seeing other people’s lives boring as mine is. Anyway, this person happens to be our newest helper, since I started college. Her name’s Jing Jing. But let’s just refer to her as ‘the girl’. It’s tiring to type the two words at once. Well, there’s just this thing with her that makes her tongue relentless of speaking irrelevant words. And those mixed rambles are entirely BORING. Finally, I felt real boredom. Everytime she tells me her stories of her life, it makes me really bored that I want to lock myself in my room and read ‘Calculus with Applications’ constantly without a pause. Really! The first time (the girl and I are the only ones in the house) we talked, her mouth seemed like a tape recorder, she speaks and speaks, ranting about her life, her high school life, her social life, blah blah… Weird thing is, I kinda remember some of the things she blabbered to me. Perhaps her voice has that kind of power that makes my conscious absorb every bit of it. But of course, to make things fair, I also started ranting about my boring life, which she frequently cut with her own version of my mischiefs in high school, the stupidity of my life, the not-so-pointless rantings of mine. Oh well, she does the talking most of the time. My mind actually blanks out from the thoughts that habitually inhibits my poor empty head. All I hear is her voice. So where exactly does the part comes where she wants to share my boring life, you ask? Well, we’ll come to that later. To add, whenever I share some part of me that is actually interesting (well, for me), she seem to not have my interest, and only beginning to start with her boring rantings about her life. Let’s all facefault, will we? Some of the examples are letting her hear some of my accomplished piano skills, the piano solo CD which I made her listen to (it’s actually the track that I play, which she told me she liked) and letting her watch a horror movie she claimed to have the fondness with. And just halfway or just after the intro of one of it, she’ll just resort to the movement of her tongue, which once again, bores me. Okay, here’s the thing that leads to the reason… One night when my stupid father accepted a typing job (which is actually very very long), he hired the girl, and me, having no exams at that time of the week, insisted that I help her since I’m a better typist than her (and faster, may I add). So there I am in front of computer number four, starting to type, and readying myself for her wordiness (the thesaurus provided me with another word for ‘ranting’). Hard to believe that I cannot ready myself, cuz once my butt touched the stool, her mouth started working. Oh wow, don’t you think so? But being so kind that day (my mood provided me with it), I just went with her talks, smiling till my cheeks hurt from exertion, and laughing when I think it’s kinda amusing. She told me so many things, and even shifting her thoughts of her life to others! She even included her rantings on her thoughts about me! That’s funny, when you think of the facts that are known worldwide about me. Apparently, her mind processing is not so complex. I can guess what she think of me, and came up with the right assumptions. All right, I’m ranting about pointless things again, so let me get to the real point. Evidently, all her talking seems to go somewhere. She said to me: ‘I have something to tell you, but you might get angry’. So being a good girl, I pushed her to tell me what it is cuz it’s kinda stupid if you mention something that requires a good answer and you won’t supply it, which makes the statement entirely useless and crappy. So, with my slightly annoyed expression, she finally said: ‘Friends’. With her not so complex mind, I already guessed that she was talking about ‘us’ being friends. She said: ‘Can we be friends?’ So being again, the kind girl and pleasant mood dancing in my subconscious, I said good-naturedly: ‘Why? We’re already friends, you know. Like that woman who went here, she’s already my friend. So why ask for it?’ And she answered: ‘But when you arrive here, you always lock yourself in your room, and never go out.’ My translation: ‘But when you arrive here, you don’t even talk to me, like you’re not my friend.’ And I answer: ‘Because of the headaches college is giving me, and the stress it’s supplying me in a daily basis.’ And perhaps you already figure what she’s going at, neh? She answered with a thing that made me amused that I really remember what she actually said. She said: ‘gusto ko kasi ‘yung friend ko palagi akong kinakausap.’ English translation: ‘but I want my friend to always talk to me’. And my translation: ‘My definition of a friend is someone I can always talk to, one who won’t leave my side, one who’s always attached to me.’ The girl actually wants to share my boring life. But her intentions are selfish. She once told me that when she has a friend, she’s only ‘stick-to-one’, which is precisely what she wants to do with me, which I don’t want to fulfill, because it’s one of the things I usually avoid with friends, especially someone as boring as her. It’s not that she’s our helper, and I’m her superior, no, it’s not that. Her fault comes in with the statement ‘can we be friends?’. Usually, friends aren’t obtained from merely asking someone; it is built through the time when you are together. Friendship has no definition whatsoever, but I know it is a form of simple companionship, with the contentment you feel towards that certain person and the bond that ties you to each other. And with her question to me, I felt that she is thinking that after I have answered that, we are instantly close to each other. Wrong, wrong! So now instead of entertaining her, I just go straight to my room, listen to music, read books, type blah blahs on my computer, and even use my revolving chair for the fun of it. I must say I am acting a bit rude and inconsiderable, however, it’s her fault. Her attitude towards me even changed. You know, I like her personality then, before she asked me that silly question. And her attitude today only made her went up to that extreme boring level. So now it seems as if she’s not a friend anymore, yet more of an existing plea for friendship, which she deliberately forced herself to have. So sorry, Jing Jing, but this kind of friendship you want to have isn’t what I like. Ciao.
10:10 pm
Yes, that's money. I wanted to work so I can have money. My own money, from my own sweat. Well no sweat since the room where I do the work is airconditioned. Haha. The work I do is quite simple, since it's only for student assistants. So, being simple, the pay is not big. But in the long run, it's worth it.
The good thing about being in this work is having the net access. Like what I'm doing now. HEEHEEE!!!!!! TAUNT MEEE ASS. anyway...
+++++++
Let’s do a widdle flashback, shall we? Just a little introduction, this journal entry is taken from my computer journal, since I type a lot when bored, and type I will when I like it. I also have the traditional journal – a little notebook where I write with a pen. I think my entries in the computer journal are the longest, and perhaps the funniest in terms of sentence structure with semi-highfalutin words and some grammatical errors. Anyway, this entry is one of the longest in my computer journal, and it’s quite interesting, since I ranted a lot and I found out just now that this LONG paragraph is actually coherent. Awesome. Take the risk and read it. If not, then good. Sulk in your corner, I don’t care.
October 13, 2003
8:45 pm
Hello you probably missed my pointless rantings about my boring life, so here I am trying to relieve the days I have left you wondering where the hell I’ve spent my mixed emotions on. But I figured you won’t have to think about that. All you think of are the mathematical or perhaps logical (if you really have the logic of humans, but I don’t think so) things of what a computer has to think, breathing with the machine in you, so this rants might be for trash once again. But what if I post this all in the net? Dude, they won’t even bother to read it. I only relate things which are not so trivial, perhaps all included in the teenage angst category, and all which doesn’t interest them a bit. I’m just a fucking boring person, in short. I don’t live an interesting life, nor I do interesting things. I’m plainly me, just me, the boring me. But these things I’m going to tell you might perk you up. Well, hopefully. You see, my boring life seems to be wanted to be shared by someone else I think is irrelevant beyond measures. I might be exaggerating, and being rude, but really, I think he portrays what I think of. That person is the least of my interest, even my boring, boring self can view someone else’s life boring too. Go figure how that happens; I too, thought that that boring people have no virtue of seeing other people’s lives boring as mine is. Anyway, this person happens to be our newest helper, since I started college. Her name’s Jing Jing. But let’s just refer to her as ‘the girl’. It’s tiring to type the two words at once. Well, there’s just this thing with her that makes her tongue relentless of speaking irrelevant words. And those mixed rambles are entirely BORING. Finally, I felt real boredom. Everytime she tells me her stories of her life, it makes me really bored that I want to lock myself in my room and read ‘Calculus with Applications’ constantly without a pause. Really! The first time (the girl and I are the only ones in the house) we talked, her mouth seemed like a tape recorder, she speaks and speaks, ranting about her life, her high school life, her social life, blah blah… Weird thing is, I kinda remember some of the things she blabbered to me. Perhaps her voice has that kind of power that makes my conscious absorb every bit of it. But of course, to make things fair, I also started ranting about my boring life, which she frequently cut with her own version of my mischiefs in high school, the stupidity of my life, the not-so-pointless rantings of mine. Oh well, she does the talking most of the time. My mind actually blanks out from the thoughts that habitually inhibits my poor empty head. All I hear is her voice. So where exactly does the part comes where she wants to share my boring life, you ask? Well, we’ll come to that later. To add, whenever I share some part of me that is actually interesting (well, for me), she seem to not have my interest, and only beginning to start with her boring rantings about her life. Let’s all facefault, will we? Some of the examples are letting her hear some of my accomplished piano skills, the piano solo CD which I made her listen to (it’s actually the track that I play, which she told me she liked) and letting her watch a horror movie she claimed to have the fondness with. And just halfway or just after the intro of one of it, she’ll just resort to the movement of her tongue, which once again, bores me. Okay, here’s the thing that leads to the reason… One night when my stupid father accepted a typing job (which is actually very very long), he hired the girl, and me, having no exams at that time of the week, insisted that I help her since I’m a better typist than her (and faster, may I add). So there I am in front of computer number four, starting to type, and readying myself for her wordiness (the thesaurus provided me with another word for ‘ranting’). Hard to believe that I cannot ready myself, cuz once my butt touched the stool, her mouth started working. Oh wow, don’t you think so? But being so kind that day (my mood provided me with it), I just went with her talks, smiling till my cheeks hurt from exertion, and laughing when I think it’s kinda amusing. She told me so many things, and even shifting her thoughts of her life to others! She even included her rantings on her thoughts about me! That’s funny, when you think of the facts that are known worldwide about me. Apparently, her mind processing is not so complex. I can guess what she think of me, and came up with the right assumptions. All right, I’m ranting about pointless things again, so let me get to the real point. Evidently, all her talking seems to go somewhere. She said to me: ‘I have something to tell you, but you might get angry’. So being a good girl, I pushed her to tell me what it is cuz it’s kinda stupid if you mention something that requires a good answer and you won’t supply it, which makes the statement entirely useless and crappy. So, with my slightly annoyed expression, she finally said: ‘Friends’. With her not so complex mind, I already guessed that she was talking about ‘us’ being friends. She said: ‘Can we be friends?’ So being again, the kind girl and pleasant mood dancing in my subconscious, I said good-naturedly: ‘Why? We’re already friends, you know. Like that woman who went here, she’s already my friend. So why ask for it?’ And she answered: ‘But when you arrive here, you always lock yourself in your room, and never go out.’ My translation: ‘But when you arrive here, you don’t even talk to me, like you’re not my friend.’ And I answer: ‘Because of the headaches college is giving me, and the stress it’s supplying me in a daily basis.’ And perhaps you already figure what she’s going at, neh? She answered with a thing that made me amused that I really remember what she actually said. She said: ‘gusto ko kasi ‘yung friend ko palagi akong kinakausap.’ English translation: ‘but I want my friend to always talk to me’. And my translation: ‘My definition of a friend is someone I can always talk to, one who won’t leave my side, one who’s always attached to me.’ The girl actually wants to share my boring life. But her intentions are selfish. She once told me that when she has a friend, she’s only ‘stick-to-one’, which is precisely what she wants to do with me, which I don’t want to fulfill, because it’s one of the things I usually avoid with friends, especially someone as boring as her. It’s not that she’s our helper, and I’m her superior, no, it’s not that. Her fault comes in with the statement ‘can we be friends?’. Usually, friends aren’t obtained from merely asking someone; it is built through the time when you are together. Friendship has no definition whatsoever, but I know it is a form of simple companionship, with the contentment you feel towards that certain person and the bond that ties you to each other. And with her question to me, I felt that she is thinking that after I have answered that, we are instantly close to each other. Wrong, wrong! So now instead of entertaining her, I just go straight to my room, listen to music, read books, type blah blahs on my computer, and even use my revolving chair for the fun of it. I must say I am acting a bit rude and inconsiderable, however, it’s her fault. Her attitude towards me even changed. You know, I like her personality then, before she asked me that silly question. And her attitude today only made her went up to that extreme boring level. So now it seems as if she’s not a friend anymore, yet more of an existing plea for friendship, which she deliberately forced herself to have. So sorry, Jing Jing, but this kind of friendship you want to have isn’t what I like. Ciao.
10:10 pm
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